Monday, August 14, 2006

House of Cards

The last few days, or maybe just today, my life has felt like a fragile house of cards. My relationships and support structures, rightly or wrongly, feel like they are built on unsteady ground. Worse yet, if it falls I'm not sure where I'd even start putting it back together. I think a big part of me is worried--or frustrated--that I might not have anything in particular to build toward or look forward to.

Obviously, much of this is a direct result of MOSI's impending departure. T minus 5 days and counting. Despite things going increasingly better with each passing day--this weekend included an extended meet-the-parents and we booked a Thanksgiving trip to Miami--our future remains necessarily ambiguous. And yet this is the person whom I have grown comfortable depending on, which makes his next step into the world all the more uncomfortable for me.

Second is probably work, where I'm festering through the day at the moment. Everything here sucks. I know I feel entirely differently from one day, or even hour, to the next, but that's how I feel right now. Nothing to look forward to. Just more of the same.

In discussing this with Bee, she reminded me that she feels like life is always like that, no matter how safe you try and make it--"even if you try to build on rock, it seems like sand." I guess I should take her word on that, because she has a good number of things going well for her. This reminded me of my favorite article from The Onion, brought to my attention by Grace, Area Man Always Nostalgic For Four Years Ago. The guy is always reminiscing fondly on times that he didn't actually enjoy. The best line, of course, comes at the end: "In the fifth grade, Eric was always like, 'Didn't first grade rule?'" Ha!

But I digress. I'm not sure I'm ready to come to any conclusions right now. This is more meant to be a State of Mr. Bad Apologies. ["Tonight the state of our Union is strong!"] I'll have to come back to figuring out my next thoughts.

Life is always prone to sucking when it is filled with to many unknown quantities. Things are going to change, between say, now and Christmas, but in the end, you will be better for it.

"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations."
~Anais Nin
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