Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Life is Long

I imagine an update is due, but you'll be surprised to know I can't actually put my finger on how I am feeling. Of course, there is the obvious sorrow, but so much about MOSI still makes me smile that its hard to linger on those feelings. At the same time, I can't seem to linger on the positive ones. Instead, I'm stuck sort of in limbo. More correctly, I think I'm doing what Red and I are notorious for, which is keeping as busy or distracted as possible. Specifically, I have been at work late yesterday and today--I just got home actually. At work I'm too busy preparing for travel to Columbus, OH, and Hawaii in the coming weeks--not to mention trying to keep from falling desperately behind. Tonight was dig-through-the-backlog night, so I feel much better about at least knowing what I haven't gotten to yet.

The title of this entry comes from a brand new Ray LaMontagne song, Gone Away From Me, and it pretty well captures how I think I am feeling. ["Life is long, my love has gone away from me."] If you could hear his voice, you might understand better. It's hard to live in the moment right now, but it is equally hard to look forward to tomorrow. Instead, I look forward to french bread pizza.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Block Party

As I eluded to yesterday, there was a day-long party on my block in the District. Although I didn't know about it ahead of time, and wasn't in the mood to partake, this timeless scene I captured from my window at least brought a smile to my face.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Be Without You

It's just after 2pm, and MOSI should have just departed for his new home to the north. I'm avoiding thinking about it, or anything else for that matter (including the very loud street party my block has been closed off for--think volleyball nets hung from street signs), by playing on the internet. New Gay sent me a mildly amusing review of your American diction. It seems that from my Missouri and Indiana parents, I got the following breakdown:

Your Linguistic Profile:
70% General American English
20% Dixie
5% Yankee
0% Midwestern
0% Upper Midwestern
What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Monday, August 14, 2006

House of Cards

The last few days, or maybe just today, my life has felt like a fragile house of cards. My relationships and support structures, rightly or wrongly, feel like they are built on unsteady ground. Worse yet, if it falls I'm not sure where I'd even start putting it back together. I think a big part of me is worried--or frustrated--that I might not have anything in particular to build toward or look forward to.

Obviously, much of this is a direct result of MOSI's impending departure. T minus 5 days and counting. Despite things going increasingly better with each passing day--this weekend included an extended meet-the-parents and we booked a Thanksgiving trip to Miami--our future remains necessarily ambiguous. And yet this is the person whom I have grown comfortable depending on, which makes his next step into the world all the more uncomfortable for me.

Second is probably work, where I'm festering through the day at the moment. Everything here sucks. I know I feel entirely differently from one day, or even hour, to the next, but that's how I feel right now. Nothing to look forward to. Just more of the same.

In discussing this with Bee, she reminded me that she feels like life is always like that, no matter how safe you try and make it--"even if you try to build on rock, it seems like sand." I guess I should take her word on that, because she has a good number of things going well for her. This reminded me of my favorite article from The Onion, brought to my attention by Grace, Area Man Always Nostalgic For Four Years Ago. The guy is always reminiscing fondly on times that he didn't actually enjoy. The best line, of course, comes at the end: "In the fifth grade, Eric was always like, 'Didn't first grade rule?'" Ha!

But I digress. I'm not sure I'm ready to come to any conclusions right now. This is more meant to be a State of Mr. Bad Apologies. ["Tonight the state of our Union is strong!"] I'll have to come back to figuring out my next thoughts.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Happy Birthday?

Ug. Another well intentioned afternoon starts with another cellphone faux pax.

Today is Ruin's birthday. Ruin and I have been friends off and on (back when we were more fickle), and consistently so since the 9th grade. We live in different places, but I always appreciate him, and I always know that Aug 2 is his birthday. Scrolling through my phone, I almost call Five, who shares his name, and we might recall from the
Kissing Boys in the Park post last summer. I realize this and move to call Ruin. When he answers, it does NOT sound like Ruin. But he recognizes me, so I give it a chance to figure out what is going on. "What a surprise!" he says. 'Really?', I think to myself. A quick glance at the phone, and it is friggin FIVE! [For the record, I have NO idea why he got that moniker. I didn't even remember it until I re-read the KBP post. ]Friggin-A, man. Friggin-A. How did I mess this up?! Thankfully, he was at work--and promised to call back later.

Do I answer? I literally have nothing to say to him, and we haven't talked in a year. Since it doesn't appear that I ever mentioned Five here again, let me say that it didn't go badly, it just was what it was. [My new line for everything.] Clearly I had a good time up in New York with him, but we didn't have much in common--in fact, I think the park kissing was to supplant actual conversation. Throw in different cities, and it was a non-starter. So now what do I do? I still see him on IM, so maybe I'll be proactive and hit him up there.

[By the way the, the kissing in the park was at the exact place in Union Square where
NYC Rouge and Ms. Rather Be Travelling called drunken and confused last week, demanding an explanation of the mysteriously clock over the Virgin Records store. Good times.]

Having read the KBP post, I'm a little disappointed in my summer so far. Last summer, at least on paper, was apparently fabulous. After that June post, I then went to St. Thomas, my first adult trip to the Caribbean, made perfect by Ms. BLM's company. I was also working on a detail to DRS, and was falling in love with it. I had a good batch of goals--most of which in retrospect I failed. But I worked at them, which was nice.

This summer, in contrast, has been devoid of vacation and even much sunlight. I'm back at my old job, and working 60 hour weeks on average. The pay is good, and the career potential too, but it is just not how I'd like to spend my time. Above all I would like to be outside more. This week was a good start, with Fiona Apple Monday and Ray LaMontagne yesterday, both at Wolf Trap. I actually am a big fan of the heat, and enjoy the sweltering... as long as movement is not required. Granted, if it breaks 100 degrees today, I'll probably NOT be going outside.

The one saving grace of this summer, of course, is
MOSI. Last night's Ray LaMontagne performance was a birthday gift, and every moment laying on the lawn at the pavilion was phenomenally better than Kissing Boys in the Park last summer. Save for the unfortunate way that we met, time with him gets better with each passing day. I suppose that's to be hoped for, rather than being strained by his impending departure. But I'm going to focus on being happy about it right now, because he is a lovely lovely man, and I am lucky to have him.

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