Thursday, September 15, 2005

Comedores de los Hombres [aka My Gang] - WEbring Assignment #6

After much delay on this WEbring topic, admittedly my own, the answer suddenly became self-evident.

The topic:
If you were to form a gang right now, what would it be called? What would it do? What would your personal nickname be? What would you be known to be especially "hard core" at in your gang?

Name: Comedores de los Hombres [If someone who knows Spanish better than I would like to correct me, I’d happily fix that name. I’m sure its wrong. It’s Spanish, btw, because it will gain us extra street cred, as we might need to pair with MS-13 to exact our revenge.]

Purpose: I can’t help but think of Anyanka from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. We would seek to eradicate the three main categories of loser men, currently stalking the singles of an otherwise tranquil metropolis (okay, we’d seek to teach first, but if that fails, we’d definitely turn to eradication).

Category 1 Men: The Avoiders
These are men that you’ve been on one, several, or, in rare cases, no dates with. At some point, their desires regarding you change. This is to be expected. It is, in fact, the point of dating: getting to know if someone is a good fit. However, they are the Avoiders because they fail, at the appropriate time, to say, “I’m just not that in to you,” and instead hope you’ll get the point. Sometimes, they try to convey this point by simply ceasing to be in touch. In the long run, this isn’t a great slight on you, and you get over it. But the RESPECTFUL thing to do, the time saver for you, at least, is to put in that call. Heck, I’d take an e-mail. In this town, there are legitimately busy people, who might be interested but have competing demands on their time. Because of the existence of those men, we are forced to assume that the Avoider is one such man. Who would want to write off someone genuine interested who just needs a nudge? Do I need to pass out instructions when I meet boys, explaining that I will respect them if they let me in on their thought process when they’ve reached such a conclusion, but not if they just try to disappear? In many communities (e.g., the gay community), you’re going to encounter these people again. Wouldn’t it be nice to run in to someone later and have it not be awkward? You probably have mutual friends. They might later want to date one of your friends. The Avoider should fear the sullied reputation. I know I said in rare cases no dates could even give rise to an avoider. Let’s turn to my files [what is this Animal Husbandry?] In June, Mr. J approached me at the Pride parade and engaged me in conversation. I was not attracted to Mr. J (no, I’m not just acting jilted), but he was very nice, and it turns out we had a lot in common. I am always happy to talk to new people, so it was a pleasure. Later, he admitted to spying me from an apartment along the route and came down to meet me. When I went to say goodbye, he asked if we could be in touch again. At this point, I decided that I shouldn’t rule out an opportunity. Mr. J gave me his business card. A couple days later I e-mailed Mr. J. I have never heard from him. Wasn’t I the one being open-minded? DON’T GIVE ME YOUR BUSINESS CARD AND ASK IF WE CAN BE IN TOUCH IF YOU DON’T WANT ME TO TRY AND GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU! And, god forbid, if you do, and then change your mind, I guess you now have the burden of responding: “I’m just not that in to you.” Of course, I have seen Mr. J several times since then. We have never talked. Maybe we’ll laugh about it in a couple years. Perhaps while MS-13 is helping me treat him in a cruel, inhuman or degrading manner.

Category 2 Men: The Deceivers
Similar to, but different from, the Avoiders. These men convey the exact opposite of what they are feeling. That is, they flirt with you, or perhaps talk about future plans they’d like to engage in with you, and give you the false hope of interest, only to immediately begin avoiding your calls, failing to point out that they are “just not that in to you.” Perhaps the Deceiver is confused. Maybe he doesn’t know how to not be a relationship flirt. Flirting that is not relationship flirting, of course, is okay. But a note to the Deceiver: If you want to sleep with me, you do NOT have to convince me that you’ll be making me breakfast tomorrow. Physical intimacy can be achieved without deception. “Hey, wanna f*ck?” comes to mind. If that were the case, it would be inappropriate to make plans for the next day that you do not intend to keep. Also inappropriate: cuddling and morning-after sex. Both of these are reserved for current and developing relationships, not a f*ck. A Deceiver need not be out for physical intimacy, of course. Sometimes the Deceiver simply shows throughout the entire date great interest, only to, again, immediately begin avoiding you. Say it with me: “I had a very nice time, but I’m just not that in to you.” [Its harsh, but as Miranda in SITC realized, harsh can be good, since it is something else as well: CLEAR.]

Category 3 Men: The F*cktwats
No need for a cutesy name here. These men get the full array of Geneva Convention violations. These are men who can’t seem to figure out themselves enough to decide if they are in love with you, and thus resort to leading you on for a year before finally having the epiphany that “Oh, I’m just not that in to you.” Am I the only one that gets a good feeling about someone after the first dozen dates or so? Once someone has reached “boyfriend” status, its pretty much a given that I’m very in to them, and its likely only going to be a conflict later on that drives my feelings away from them. Neglect, assault, infidelity, and moving come to mind. Yes, I’ll express my Love for someone relatively early on. [Not lesbian early on, but early on.] It’s really just the result of a chemical reaction, combined with innate urges of dependency, anyway. But the “I’ve had a wonderful time, but I’m just not that in to you” line is really only appropriate for the first few months or so. Dragging that shit out is highly unacceptable. I mean really. REALLY. Did you really just date me for a year cause you wanted to be good and sure first?!

Please note: I have not listed the category of men that fall out of love. This, I suppose, is “natural.” I’ve never fallen out of love, so its hard to understand, but I’m not going to expect men to be tied down for ever if its not working.

Wow. What was this post supposed to be about? Oh yeah, my gang. I suppose its obvious my gang has sufficient rage to go about seeking out and “educating” these men on what might be more appropriate. Not the f*cktwats, of course. They are a lost cause.

My gang nickname: Pink Panther
I’d be hardcore at: Being smug and self-righteous in my vengeance. Perhaps by extensively lecturing the accused.

For more gangs, read Friends to the right:
Write Again Soon
Wish To See
A Little Meryment
Post No Bills
A Prize in Every Box

So many boys are trouble. I am sure you wouldn't have much difficulty recruiting hetero females to join your gang either. But aren't you missing a classic group? The Cheaters (including the emotional ones, i.e. "i'm not sleeping with her so it's not cheating")? There's a certain man in California that could use a little of your gang's justice...
Excellent gang. I am withdrawing my application from MS-13 and switching over to Comodores de los Hombres immediately.

Seeing as I have a first date tonight, I will be on the lookout for CdlH targets.
Any car enthusiast worth their salt will know the Alfa Romeo brand, but do you know how they got to be one of the world's most important car manufacturers?
Comedores industriales DF

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